Wow, it feels good to be back here!
As you may have noticed, for about nine months I haven’t exactly been around that much. This however is coming to a stop right now; because now I’m free!
My excuse for my absence lies heavily upon the daunting prospect of of exams and failure that have haunted me (and still continue to haunt me) since the beginning of the last academic year. With my eighteenth birthday came the full and frankly, scary realisation that this year is going to be the biggest, in terms of where it’ll put me in the world.
In short, although I’ve tried to maintain a calm exterior, I’ve been a bundle of nerves, fraught with angst and fear, dreading the day which has yet to arrive. With the coming of my results, will be the coming of my reality and future. Will I go to my dream university, or will I have to settle for my insurance (which I’ve come to accept will almost be inevitable, and I’m quite looking forward to it).
Whilst the past few months have been rather scary, boring and tiresome, there have also been some exceptional moments too, but I’ll go into that at another time.
For now, I just want to say, I’m back! I’m now a freer person – in both time and space – and I can now begin to dedicate myself to something I have passionately loved and enjoyed for many years now, Blogging. Better still, I think I’m also more of an open person, as well as slightly wiser one too. Hopefully that will transpire as I begin to write more.
In the meantime I will be spending the next few weeks physically rehauling the look of my website, it’s tired, and it needs something new and clean. I have a few ideas in mind, so that should be fun. Also, there are a lot of background changes which need to take place too (I’m in the dark-ages still running WordPress 2.7.0), so that will require some amount of time and organisation.
I will, as ever, continue with my incessent Tweeting, which you can follow to your heart’s content here. I always look forward to new followers who I can follow back!
Thanks,
Samantha.
(contactsamanthak@googlemail.com)
It’s weird. Suddenly it has heavily dawned upon me, that this September will be my last as a student at my current school. I’ve spent six years there, and now, it’s all coming to a slow but dramatic end.
I’ve been back just over a week. I’m now not just a “Sixth Former”, but a Year 13′er. I don’t just have my AS levels, but A2′s, and Universities to consider, and references to have written. It was only just a year ago, that I, like the current Year twelve’s, were trying to make sense of the new area of the school that we suddenly had permission to be in. Feeling all that more important, and more powerful… Excited at the prospect of something new and not having to endure the snot-coloured uniform.
Now however, I’m scared.
I was talking to Mr. B earlier (the Deputy Head – and the one who dubbed me the Sam Learning Queen); he was signing a Passport application form for me. We were having a chat about schools and universities, and it suddenly occurred to me, how quickly time has suddenly flown by.
I can recall the first day of year seven as if it were yesterday. In fact, I remember lining up in the playground, I remember sitting in my form room, being given my School diary, and other forms and letters. I sat at the back of the classroom, next to either Camille or Shandah… Or I may have been on my own. Actually, I think I was on my own. And I had a song stuck in my head that my friend Maddie had written, and I kept humming it. I remember I had double science in the “U” corridor. Across from my teacher’s room was where my present Psychology teacher was based and she always had something interesting going on. I remember the assemblies, the food, everything!
And I think now, “Crap, in a few months time I’ll be completing my A Levels, and this time next year I’ll be on my way to Uni” (hopefully). And that is scary!
What is scarier than that?
On Wednesday I am eighteen!
Now I can still recall my eighth birthday. I remember we went out for a meal, and when we got home, the drive was covered in snails, and I inadvertently trod on a load, and felt guilty. That was ten years ago.
It’s very, very, weird. Knowing that in twelve years I’ll be thirty. In about five years I’ll be in a full-time job, living on my own somewhere. And in-between those two ages, I’ll meet new people, say goodbye to others, and forget many more… It makes me feel old! It’s like the nightmare I had when I was fifteen. I was asleep, and I dreamt that my age had doubled, so I was thirty. In this nightmare of a dream I was living this horrible, dull, prescribed life of marriage and children. Dreariness and drab, a partner I didn’t particularly like, and two screaming brats that drove me even closer towards the cliff of insanity. I had a horrible job, because sprouting out the vile children had cocked-up my career, and everything was so boring, dull, and “wife’ish”. It scared the living crap out of me, and I awoke thinking “FUCK!”
Getting older doesn’t scare me so much; but getting older and ending up living a life such as the one in my nightmare, or more recent “aging dreams”, scares me. The mere thought of say, twelve years time, being semi-conscious of the world around me; finding absolutely no pleasure in anything in life, and leading a life where I had to be completely dependent upon another, and others people hopelessly dependent on me – that scares me! Not fulfilling any of the things I said I would, or even just ending up a sad, old creep (think Barbara Covett from Notes on a Scandal type of creepiness), it would be mortifying!
But that doesn’t mean I want to maintain being seventeen forever. I don’t want to be one of those people who hopelessly clings on to their youthful-self in order to have an essence of sprite and glamour in their lives. I’m all for the future… Just not one that scares me!
And yes, the future is pretty much in my hands. I would say completely, but of course outside circumstances always play a massive role in the decisions we do and do not make. Yet even with my own degree of control, and even knowing what I wish to attain; it doesn’t stop those horrible “What if?” contemplations which more-often than not haunt my mind when I stay up too late!
I think I might call this my “3am crisis”. The sudden realisation four days before my eighteenth, that I’m getting older, not as slowly as one may think, and that sooner or later I’m going to reach the terrifying age of thirty; at which point I hope that I am happy, and not trapped in my nightmare dream.
What scares you about being older?
Samantha.
It’s that time of year again.
Y’know, after all of those (months/weeks/days/hours) you spent revising for those exams back in May/June. You sat in the exam hour, pouring your knowledge through your trusty pen, hoping that whomever may find themselves marking your pages of intellect will recognise the brillance that truely harbours in your brain, and that around-about this time of year, you’ll be told what you’ve always known…
No, Chemistry really isn’t your top subject afterall!
But seriously, Results Days. They’re horrible. There is nothing nice about results (even if you think or know your the cleverest person in the world), because there is always that tingling and aching feeling, drilling away at your lovely, summer-poisoned organs.
I remember last year (add a week on for GCSE results), I was absolutely cacking myself. Every fleeting thought I had was about my results. Being my mind, the outcome was always negative, and all I could picture was dozens of disappointed faces; from my Mum and the rest of the family, to my friends, and most horribly, to the teachers who had spent the previous two years trying to etch some of their wisdom into my mind. I couldn’t bare it; the thought of failing their efforts, and failing myself (and proving that I’m just as crap as I thought I was), was to be quite honestly, the shittiest feeling ever!
Thankfully, so far, I’ve managed to avoid such over-thought this year. In fact, I’ve done a lot better this year with forgetting the exams altogether. I suppose being back in School, and just continuing on as if not much had really happened, was the biggest factor in that. But I remember, even on my walks home from the exams (which last year were filled with Classic FM, and the whirring contemplation and dread filling my mind), I never really got it this year.
Not thinking about something you can’t change is quite possibly the best thing you can do.
However, now it’s starting to kick in. Tomorrow, at two o’clock, it’s results release! Back into school I go, to find out if I’ve even got enough passes to continue on with next year. That’s my worst nightmare, finding that I failed not only Chemistry but another subject (it would be horrorific if it was History), and then for the rhyming-name lady (Head of Sixth Form), to say “You’re not in!”.
Nightmare.
But that is besides the point, there’s nothing I can do about that now. I can’t even try and hunt down the poor bugger who had to sit through piles of exam papers, reading the rubbish over-and-over again, and convice them that they should give me a B, or something. Nope. Nothing!
Which is why I propose, that no-one after this point now, thinks anything negative about something way-beyond their control. I’m going to instead, focus my mind on other things, such as books and films, and Facebook! And if Results do happen to crop up, well let’s just hope for the best, eh?
So to everyone who is receiving their A Level or AS results tomorrow, I wish you the best. I hope everyone gets what they deserve, and that those hoping to go off to University, get their places!
(Also, the same goes for all the GCSE people too… It’s weird to think my Brother had done his GCSE’s).
Samantha – contactsamanthak@googlemail.com
http://www.thesamantha.co.nr
Oh yes, these past few couple of weeks have been a little, how can I put it? Hetic?
I’ve had quite a bit going on, namely with the History Exhibition which ran last week. It was fun though, and I’m quite proud of myself for doing. I admit, I can be narrow-minded, and I often make quick judgements, or take what I hear off of other ill-informed people to be fact, when more often than not, it’s complete and utter tripe. The Exhibition however was focused on an area which I got to challenge myself, and others – Refugees and Asylum Seekers.
I daresay you’ll need me to repeat some of the responses I got off of people when talking about this project, or even the responses we collected from around Sutton and Hyde Park as part of a questionnaire. It is however, striking to note those misconceptions, the judgements which we are all guilty of making from time to time, and the media. The media has become my biggest problem with this issue; because it has the power to do so much in our technological, fast-paced, well-informed lives; yet proceeds to deliever lies, or only half-told stories.
Namely, I despise the Daily Mail.
I had one “Daily Mail” reader actually try and debate my work when I was putting it up in the Library last Wednesday. He stood and looked at my work, which was still on the floor, and questioned a Myth I had printed – that Refugees do not increase the crime rates – and he proceeded to tell me it was the truth, and I am the one lying. Not only was one bout of debating enough for him, he later came back when my teacher was helping me put everything else up. Needless to say, I think he realised he wasn’t going to win. His arguments were based on “the people on the trams”, and “something in the newspaper”. Fair enough if you don’t like someone, but taking your views from badly written articles in the Daily Mail – which doesn’t appear to like anyone other than all white, married, christian, heterosexual couples, oh… And Armed Forces workers or Veterans – can you honestly expect to get anything other than biased lies?
But yes, back to the Exhibition; I think it went rather well. We didn’t argue, and we did manage to get everything completed in time, which was quite an achievement. Also, I delievered my first ever public speech. To be honest, it was one of the scariest things I have ever done; I didn’t have a speech written, just a plan – a plan that wasn’t well stuck to. But yes, I think I am relatively proud of myself!
The rest of the week has also been rather interesting. I have learnt from experiences on Saturday that drinking alcohol is not a good idea; and that also my mobile phone doesn’t like swimming. Which leads me on to my current crisis:
My mobile phone is broken! And the once “Mobile Industry Review writer”, who got free phones to review, earning a lovely sum of money, and all happy and cheery with the technology I was sinking in, has now had to resort back to my old phone… Which I had to stop using in the first place because it barely works as a mobile phone, and the battery barely lasts longer than a day!
It’s a nightmare. I have no money, no where is hiring, and the places that are do not appear to be willing to employ me! It’s a horrible situation. I have what is it? Six weeks of pure freedom ahead of me; as a seventeen year old I should be looking forward to them, the thought of being able to go out, have fun, not worry about School or exams… And what is crossing my mind? How am I going to be able to afford to pay for my internet next month!
I have a horribly distinct impression that a lot of my Summer is going to try and be spent doing as much as I can, with no money… Which I also fear will result in me being very bored, or going out to the shittiest places on earth!
Bugger!
Finally, I’ve been sent some questions to answer. I’ve been waiting for some for ages it seems, but hopefully there’ll be plenty more to come in the future. So here goes:
Are you suffering from social networking fatigue?
Me, Social Networking Fatigue? Now that is funny! See, since I’ve had my own computer back in 2005 (now that does make me feel old), I’ve never been without at least one Social Network that I am active on. I love the internet, and I like being able to communicate with the people I know, and the people I don’t. So no, I’m far from suffering from Social Fatigue. I am suffering from Social Annoyance, particularly at the likes of Facebook, who have recently found the need to replicate Twitter. I love Twitter, I tweet at least once a day, but that does not mean my favourite Social Networking website has to replicate it. I love Facebook for being its own thing, not for being a very poor replication of a far superior Micro-Blogging service, which I also love (and have been using for longer)!
Have we had enough of Big Brother?
Yes, yes, YES!
Seriously, why does this programme even continue to hold as much airtime as it does? And this is coming from an ex-Big Brother fan! I used to love that programme, it used to be so many different things – mainly because it had such a great mix of people within the house. But for the past three or so years it is has sourly disintergrated into a shameful wreck. The housemates are predictable, and two-dimensional; everyone is there for the same reason, to try and get their own poor excuse of a name as a “Celebrity”, and follow in the footsteps of previous no-hopers, getting crap programmes on MTV or Channel Four, and generally just annoying a hell of a lot of people. The whole format is now hopeless. No one wants to be themselves anymore, and it’s become far too much of a Media Frenzy for any sincere people who wanted to partake, to do so.
Even more annoyingly is the fact that Channel Four ruin the Summer with their constant coverage. It costs them loads of money to do it, and I don’t know of anyone who wishes to see twelve people sleep at 12am, but yet they still show it. It’s dreadful, and highly irritating. Just thinking of what they could spend their money on, other than Big Brother – ie, better programming – and I get angry!
That is all for now. Tomorrow I’m off to the Old Bailey, which should be interesting, except I can’t take my phone with me! How am I going to survive; it may be crap, but I still require its use, and its closeness to me! Ahh, I sound like a freak!
Enjoy,
Samantha – contactsamanthak@googlemail.com
http://www.thesamantha.co.nr
Seriously! This heat is unbelievable. And what’s worse is that nothing I seem to do seems to counter-act it either.
For instance, earlier, I sat on my bed, aimed my fan directly at me, and turned it on. Did it do anything? No! I mean, this is bloody ridiculous. I know I hate the cold, but I also cannot stand baking like a potatoe either! So yes, a Swimming Pool would be appreciated!
Since last week, nothing much has really happened. I’m back at School and everything; but nothing seems to be really happening… Well unless you call having the majority of your lessons in a day being cancelled?
It’s really starting to bug me actually. I make the effort to wake up at half six, shower, dress, arrive at School, happy and prepared for a day of lessons, only to find out what? Out of a full day I have only two lessons (which coincidentally is a double). I like School, so having it cocked about isn’t fun, nor entertaining to my routine-engraved mind; but at the same time, on a day like this, I would much rather spend the day at school… And to spend six hours in School to only attend two hours of actual lessons is just pointless, and annoying!
Thankfully, the cancelled lessons enabled me to attend a BBQ (instead of being in Biology); which was a plus. And I got to go home early, but annoyingly I left my glasses in my locker, which meant I had to return! That wasn’t so good.
In fact, today has just been about going to and from School. I realised during my first lesson (which was cancelled), that a PowerPoint I needed for History was on my computer, and not on my Memory Stick as I previously thought. So after being in School for all of what? Twenty minutes, I had to get home and sort that out.
The History Presentation I think went alright. My attempt to try and unravel the reasons as to why the French and British hated each other during the early nineteenth century, was a futile one. Not to mention the fact that I wanted to try and avoid explaining the whole French Revolution fiasco…
I’m hoping the rest of this week will also be good; other than the heat that is. Wednesday I can already see is going to be a bit manic; interviewing people, and try to persuade Year Eleven’s that History A Level is the subject to take, as well as some entertainment for the Year Elevens too. I’m actually a little worried about that; by the sounds of it, I fear it might be one of those lame attempts at trying to be fun and interesting but desperately failing! Hmm… We’ll see about that one.
Anyways, I’m majorly lacking inspiration now. I need to do some more reading! A trip to the Library I think is on order.
Thanks,
Samantha.
(http://www.thesamantha.co.nr) – contactsamanthak@googlemail.com
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