January 14th, 2009 “Censored Honesty”
Another “mid-week-Blog”, which I have to say I’ve been looking forward to writing all day. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, there really is nothing better sometimes than just to endlessly ramble. The best part of it all, is the ideas that often consume my mind when I think about writing; and normally these are far-away thoughts of the impossible, or philosophical questions and debates which I have yet to find a way to write in a cohesive sense.
Nevertheless, it’s always nice to think.
For example, today I woke up at half six to have a shower. Now as much as I hate to leave the comfort (well, reasonable comfort) of my bed (mattress on the floor), and the warmth and cosiness that Jasmine (my cat) and I have made, I’m actually quite fond of the mornings. The silence, the freedom, and just knowing that there is a whole day ahead of me. Now I knew today was nothing really to look forward too. I had my Biology AS Module exam, and thus far I have failed in every attempt to gain anything higher than a “D” grade. Above all, no matter how much I read, make notes, question myself, revise, learn, ask questions or whatever it is that I can do to try and make sense of it all, and retain most of it - it fails. I feel like I know nothing even though I could happily explain a really mundane function of the Fluid-Mosaic Membrane.
So there I was, in the morning, half asleep, although still pretty much awake. And all of these thoughts came flooding into my mind halfway through singing a song to myself. Now even for myself, a person used to the randomness of my thoughts, and one sided conversations with Margret my plant; my mind seemed to adopt the desire to have an imagination. And then in the midst of this, I had thoughts about my future, and finances; and I had streams of numbers flooding through my head, and how I could save and how long it would take to save to say get enough to get a deposit for a small flat, and then living costs, and transport. As quickly as it all came to me, it went!
It was like my mind had been temporarily taken over my firstly by a Mathematician, and secondly by an ultra-quick thinking force.
The rest of this day has kind of followed suit with this mix of oddness.
In History I made a presentation which I had once again written way too much on. I was hoping that I wouldn’t be chosen to present today, and that I would be able to work on it a little more to improve it, seeing as I have been severely limited in time due to the endless Biology Revision I had to do. However, my wish was not fulfilled, and instead I fumbled, I cocked-up, I even felt all embarrassed, and I’m pretty sure I turned a brilliant shade of “Tomato” (I could feel the heat on my cheeks), and it was just dreadful.
Following that I had Biology. Nothing particularly odd happened in this lesson, other than being asked by no one other than Emily “What does Oxygen do?”. It made me laugh, firstly as we had been studying the importance of Oxygen since forever in School, we had an exam on Biology only hours later in the day, and the pure desire I could see etched into Emily’s face for an honest answer. I gladly told her it was a vital component for Respiration, which only seemed to spark more questions such as “Why don’t we use Carbon Dioxide for Respiration?”, which I suppose to some extent is a valid question, but I then explained that it was due to the abundance of gases, and something to do with evolution. Also Carbon Dioxide is a product of Respiration.
Then came break time. Now to be perfectly honest, I generally dislike Break time. The Common Room is too full, too hot, it smells, it’s too loud, cramped and awkward to navigate. As much as possible I will delay going and anticipate the bell and the need to visit my locker as early as possible too. Violet however made break time a rather interesting experience when she handed me a present in the form of a wooden spoon (the type used for cooking), with the words of Shakespeare written on it:
“Is this a dagger which I see before me? Come, let me clutch thee. I have thee and not yet I see thee still. Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible to feeling as to sight? Or art thou a dagger of the mind, a false creation?”
Seriously, it’s not everyday you get a wooden spoon, especially one which has such famous words written upon it!
For the next two hours I had what I call “Double Nothing”. It entailed two hours of revision, reading, and worry as I soon came to realise that I didn’t really know an awful lot about a subject I have spent five months of studying.
What struck me the most during those two hours was how much I miss my MP3 player which died last year. I mean seriously, it shouldn’t be sane to able to miss a piece of technology as much as I have. iPods don’t fulfill my needs, and as much as I want an MP3 player, and the ability to be able to listen to any one of my seven thousand, three hundred strong collection of songs, or even just the magnifcance that is Sam Cooke, I refused to buy an iPod. So yes, looking for a replacement is now on top of the agenda, along with buying a new mobile, and television for myself.
As for the Biology Exam, I deren’t say it was easy, because it wasn’t, but nor was it “hard”. There was the odd question where I was a little confused, and certainly a four mark question on role of the Diaphragm and the Intercostal Muscles during inspiration confused the living hell out of me, seeing as this whole area of the module had somewhat escaped any of the teaching given by my teachers. I mean really, how on earth can someone just “forget” to teach something which is likely to appear in the exam as anything else! So I think I will be making a point of that in my next lesson, because I’m not impressed.
Thankfully after this exam I didn’t fall over or hurt myself in any way shape or form; which is fantastic seeing as I’m still in recovery mode after last week’s expedition to the floor. I can’t even sleep properly because if I put my elbow down and lean on it, the pain is immense. I also can’t kneel on my right knee - which isn’t handy when I’m sleeping at floor level at the moment. What’s worse is when I forget about my elbow, and use it to push open closing doors around the school.
Speaking of which on Tuesday or Monday (I forget which day it was), I was heading towards Psychology, and I was carrying my enormous folder, and my books; and I pushed the door open, and tried to keep it open with my left arm/elbow. Then the pain of it kicked in and I inadvertantly shouted out “What a twat!” (meaning to myself), although at the same time, a collection of older Sixth Formers walked past me, and they stopped and looked at me, thinking I had said it to one of them! It seriously wasn’t a good moment, and whilst being in pain, I had to try and talk myself out of the situation, and explain I was actually referring to myself in my loud comment.
So tip of the week: If you’re going to call yourself a twat for doing something stupid, avoid doing it out aloud; and if you do have to say it out aloud, then avoid saying it around the presence of others, of when others are likely to become present.
Anyway, to the title of this Blog, “Censored Honesty”.
You see Facebook Status Updates are really quite brilliant. I’ll admit I may just have a slight Facebook addiction; I do have my phone enabled with Facebook, and I have found a way to keep my Status updated via the power of text and Twitter. I’m even thinking about how on earth I am going to survive on my Holiday to Spain in April… I mean, no Facebook for a Week! What on earth am I to do?
Back the status updates, well, I was feeling rather thoughtful; and I posted this: “Samantha really does wish that she was more open to others.” It’s true though, I really do wish I was more open; and regardless of what you may think about me writing endless Blogs with small insights in to my mind, I really don’t express myself. And dare I repeat it, Mr. Joe H, was right, my Blogs really are a form of Censored Honesty.
In some respects, I’ve never really properly thought about it. It’s an automatic reaction as whether or not I should write or say something, and often I don’t think about what it is I’m not putting in, because unconsciously, I know what I can and cannot write with regards to my own ability to be open and converse with others.
It sparked yet again, another train of thought. Censorship is something that on the whole, I’m pretty much against; I hate the idea that someone has the authority to decide what is “right” for me to see, be it a film in the Cinema (or even on DVD), or more importantly, the News. Censorship is in general just an abuse of power; the desire for one person or institution to impose their ideals or “moral highstandings” onto others.
You see, I can be as honest and as blunt as I want; and I have been. I’ll admit since the “incident” with Sluggy (I think I’ll begin to refer to this incident with “The Fox” actually, to make more sense, although it still doesn’t stop him from being a Slug!), with The Fox, I learnt a valuable lesson on what could be the possible outcomes of liable action, and that writing my true and honest opinions about people does do a lot of favours.
In the same light, does writing about yourself as honestly as possible do you any favours? Well, yes and no. I mean, I can write as honestly as I choose when I write to myself, when I have a thought or something on my mind, and I’ll ramble on for pages on Word writing about miniscule things which drive my insane. I’ll pick at myself and highlight my true opinion of who I am, and what I think I am and all of that. But to do that on a public level, could anyone truely do that?
I seriously doubt it.
But even more so than that, with me it’s not even just about being blunt, or really being as expressive and as eloquent as I can be; it’s more to do with my desire to keep everyone locked out. I was trying to explain this to someone the other day, and as stupid as I know it sounds, and probably as pathetic as it sounds, for me, allowing anyone to really know me, and I mean that vulnerable, insecure, and often scared person that I can be is quite possibly one of the most horrifying things I could do. It would be like stripping away all of those annoying but very protective layers of an onion; and then finally getting to that small and really obsolete part of the whole thing.
I know it probably sounds on the verge of crazy, or even depressing (a term I hate to use), but it’s a part of me that is real, and as much as I want to be able to not become vulnerable, but to be able to feel those deeper emotions which I have locked up in me, I can’t.
So yes, Censored Honesty, it can and does exist. I mean, you’ve just read it, about three hundred words above were perfectly honest words, but revealing just enough to allow you to think you know something, but honestly, think about it? When do I ever reveal anything of any major value?
Then again, I do lead a life where the high’s and low’s revolve around my wanderings about School. A total lack of love life, and an intermissent social life; ahh… I really do question my sanity sometimes.
So much for this being a “short-mid-week” update, eh?
Yes, well, I think I’ve rambled on enough, and I’m feeling horribly confused about the direction of this post; it probably doesn’t help that I’m on the verge of just falling straight to sleep.
Expect the normal end of week post on Friday or at the weekend as usual!
Thanks,
Samantha.
(http://www.thesamantha.co.nr)
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